Have you ever been awake in the middle of the night and suddenly found yourself mesmerized by one of the late-night infomercials?
This was not one of those times.
A few weeks ago, Jared and I were browsing around Sam’s Club and watching families pile enormous boxes of cereal and five-pound cans of beans into their carts (what is it about gigantic food that’s so funny?). About 10 minutes in, a voice came over the intercom and said: “Attention, Sam’s Club members. We’re giving away free paring knives to every member who’s in the club right now. Head over to the red awning to claim your free gift.”
Before I could even spot where the red awning was, Jared was halfway across the store. What can I say? The boy loves a free giveaway. By the time I got there, a crowd of about 25 people had gathered. After a few minutes of waiting, a middle-aged man dressed in black pants and a white polo joined the group.
“You guys here for the free kniiiiiives?” he asked. His voice was slow, drawn and a bit muffled. “Then put your hands up here on the counter. That’s right. Don’t be shy.”
What followed was a full-fledged pitch session for “the sharpest knives you’ll ever use.” The pitchman cut some vegetables, a loaf of bread and a tomato. He attempted to cut a hammer, too, which resulted in a pinch of dark dust falling to cutting board. “See that?” he said, pointing to scratches on the hammer. “And the knife didn’t even break.”
The real kicker, however, came when he pulled out the second tomato.
“Now one woman said to me once: ‘How do I know the knives will work for me like that? You’re a professional.’” It was at this point that Jared and I both looked at the man’s fingers as he fanned out the sliced tomato. Six out of 10 were topped with Band-Aids.
“Easy as that,” he said.
This whole ordeal took at least 20 minutes. For those of us who stuck it out to the end, we were rewarded with a free paring knife (a $5 value — woot!) and the satisfaction of knowing that we, too, can now slice and dice like the pros.
Why am I sharing the story of Mr. Slice ’N’ Dice? Although I shouldn’t judge his salesman skills (he actually sold quite a few of his $59.99 knife packs at the end of his presentation), it got me reminiscing about my favorite infomercials from days gone by. So, just for fun, here are the top three infomercial products that I quietly covet from the comfort of my own home. Maybe some day I’ll take one of these beauties home.
1. The Cocomotion: I first laid eyes on the Cocomotion soon after my family moved to Missouri. I was smack in the middle of my sleeping-on-the-floor-is-so-much-better-than-sleeping-in-my-bed phase, which my mom appeased by letting me hunker down in the den in the ol’ Hello Kitty sleeping bag on weekends. The greatest thing about sleeping in the den versus my bedroom was that the den had a TV — and that is how I discovered the Cocomotion.
I haven’t seen the infomercial in years, but I remember being absolutely enamored by this thing. This thing that made hot chocolate. Just like my mom did. Just like I could do in the microwave. Wait, why did I love the Cocomotion so much?
It must have been some crackerjack salesmanship those Cocomotioners were using because to this day, part of me pines for the hot chocolate maker I never had. I did name a chocolate-milk-colored throw blanket at my parents’ house Cocomotion for posterity’s sake. Sadly, it’s not the same.
2. The Magic Bullet: A chicken quesadilla in one, two, three seconds? No way! The Magic Bullet (a.k.a. a food chopper) is one of those snazzy little devices that none of us will soon forget. And no, it’s not because the product is the greatest invention ever made; it’s because its infomercial is 60 full minutes of crazy, crazy awesome goodness.
In case you’ve forgotten, I’ll set the scene: We’re guests in a couple’s kitchen. The wife has a blonde bobbed haircut and a flowery dress, so we know she’s just like any other American mom. The husband has an English accent, so we know he’s cool. Then there’s a circus of dinner guests — one of which is wearing a bathrobe and smoking a cigarette?!? Our lovely host and hostess then proceed to share the awesomeness of the Magic Bullet by making enough chopped food to feed a small army. Chicken salad, salsa, fruit salad, juice. Yum?
3. Proactiv: OK, this is a weird one. I don’t really want Proactiv because I don’t really want acne. But look at all the celebrities who use it! Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Katy Perry. And now even the Biebs has acne? This stuff must be amazing. Totes.
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So how about you guys? Is there an infomercial gadget you’ve always dreamed of owning? Have you ever taken one home then realized it wasn’t up to snuff? Or better yet, have you ever seen a snazzy sales presentation firsthand? I can’t wait to hear about it!
XO,
Katrina
Michelle says
Don’t kid yourself- Theresa asked for a magic bullet every Christmas for 3 years (her dad kept getting her different food processors, not nearly as awesome) until the faithful Christmas when Theresa got a Magic Bullet! I only ever saw her make cocktails in the bullet…but she wore out the motor in the thing (tells you how much that girl loves a cocktail) so I’d say it lived a good life!
You’re blog is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! I love it!!!
Katrina Tauchen says
Ha! I was totally thinking about Theresa and that Magic Bullet. She definitely takes the cake for Magic Bullet love. I didn’t know she wore the motor out! Too funny!